Keeping An Eye on Me

Dear Jim,

I still miss you like crazy. It’s been almost 2 ½ years since you left. I think my sorrow is starting to lift, but there are still moments of pain. The triggers are random. The other day I pulled out my cookbook holder and I flashed back to when I bought it. We were living on Gilman Drive in La Jolla. I was pregnant with Brandon. My mind went swirling with memories of you and him. It took my breath away.

Yesterday, after work I wanted to go out for dinner and have Mexican food. The weather was beautiful and I thought how nice it would be to sit outside and have an ice-cold beer with some spicy food and good conversation. There was no one available that I wanted to join me. I wanted you to join me. I wanted to spend time talking like we used to. Remember how we would talk about our lives and speculate on our future and come up with plan options? I miss that.

I decided to go to El Sombrero’s. It’s not a big deal to eat alone. I can read a book on my phone and I don’t mind being a party of one. As I was driving there, some middle-aged blond lady was following me just a little too close. She was bugging me. When I pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot, I thought I saw her pull in also – oh, great. After I parked I looked around and it seemed like there were several, I mean a lot of middle-aged blond ladies going to the restaurant. It kind of freaked me out. I thought to myself I don’t want to be one of those, and especially one that is alone. So I went home and ate the pasta dish I had in the freezer.

I started to feel sad and lonely. Basically, I was feeling sorry for myself. I know a lot of people here in Nashville, but I don’t socialize much. Sometimes it just takes too much effort. I can count on one hand those I feel close to and comfortable enough with that no effort has to be made. You know to whom I’m referring.

It’s strange and humbling being a widow. I haven’t figured out the rules yet. Which is too bad because apparently I’ve been breaking some. Hence, why one friend told me to stay away from her husband and thereby I have been cut off from a whole family who I considered close and comfortable friends. Oh, well.

In March I went to San Diego to see my folks and celebrate Dad’s 79th birthday. (79! Can you believe it?) I made him a German Chocolate cake like always. Did you see when I made him a cake a couple years back and I shipped it overnight? It cost about the same as shipping myself out.

We had a really great visit and I made it a point to keep my time prioritized to spend with them. But I did make time to meet up with a few close girlfriends, because I was desperate for some encouragement and prayer. Prayer because I want joy and I want it now!

I asked S, who had lost her husband many years ago, how long does this sorrow-ing and grieving last? She had good and wise things to say that gave me hope. Then they gathered around me and prayed. And you know what? Prayer works. I have since felt stronger.

Sometimes I think about moving back to San Diego. I really miss my friends and our church. I would love to live closer to my folks, but my life (and daughter) is in Nashville now. It’s a good life, too. Going back would be exactly that – going back, and I must go forward.

My life is starting to evolve and change and become something new. I think you would be proud of me. In fact, I know you are because I think you’ve been helping me. Maybe directly through some spiritual connection? Or, maybe indirectly by what I learned from knowing you? Anyway, thanks for keeping an eye on me.




One thought on “Keeping An Eye on Me

  1. Good morning you wonderful woman! I love you so much. Loved your beautiful letter to Jim. What a great tribute to you both and the sweet love you had for each other and still do. That never goes away does it!!! God bless you Honey! Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart! I’m only a phone call away any time!❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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